Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse

  1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.  Do not pick it up right away.  Instead shout “Get off, stupid. Get off!”
  2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice “relaxing into the fall.”  Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
  3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out $100 without looking down.
  4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and lead in one hand and an arm stretched out with a carrot in the other.  Encourage your non horsey neighbors to join in.
  5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt.  Be sure to smile as if you’re really having fun.
  6. Hone your fibbing skills.  “See hon, moving hay bales is fun” and “I’m really glad your performance and multi-million dollar horse won you 1st place – I’m just thankful that my hard work and actual ability placed me 2nd.”
  7. Practice dialing your chiropractor’s number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchored on the lead rope to a frisky horse.
  8. Borrow the old Army slogan “Be all you can be……(bitten, thrown, kicked, slammed, trampled….)
  9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat….”This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,…”
  10. Marry into Money!

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